• Moving On and Getting Over Part ll

Moving On and Getting Over Part II

Part II: Getting Over It

At the end of any relationship it’s easy to blame the other person, create countless reasons why it didn’t work out, or make it their fault or your own. But when we do this, we are unconsciously returning to our old programs that cause us to be the victim in our life, rather than the creator of it. From an objective biological perspective, this automatic thought process means you are allowing someone or something outside of you to control how you think and how you feel.

When it comes to trauma and loss, we have all been betrayed, experienced fear and doubt, and have had dark nights of the soul. At some point, however, when push comes to shove, you have to make up your mind—is the loss going to be the end of your life or is it a new beginning? It all comes down to choice.

If you decide it’s the beginning of your life, then you have to get over the painful emotions and start trading them in for the emotions you want to experience in your next relationship or experience. In doing so, you fill the gap created by the loss with the energy of your future, as opposed to giving your energy away to someone with whom you are no longer relating. That’s because where you place your attention is where you place your energy.

It makes sense then that the stronger the emotions you are feeling, the more you put your attention on that person who is connected to the past experience. In doing so, you are essentially giving away your power to them—vital energy which can be used to create something new. By the same means, if where you place your attention is where you place your energy, then when you focus your attention on those familiar emotions, you are syphoning your energy out of the present moment into the past. Needless to say, when we live in the past we are asleep in the present. However, as you overcome the intense emotions of your past relationship, you are taking your power back because you are no longer keeping your attention on (or thinking about) that person, and/or the corresponding emotions that keep you anchored to the past. As you free yourself from these past emotions, you free up energy which can now be used to create something new in your life.

Healthy people who see these moments as the beginning of their life as opposed to the end will do anything (in a constructive way) to get beyond the pain, and once they do, something greater always comes along. When that greater opportunity or situation appears in your life, you realize that the pain and suffering was a wakeup call in order for you to get clear on what you do want, and that the relationship you experienced was an opportunity to end some cycle or unconscious program. When you do this, you begin to fill that lack with your own personal sense of worthiness and wholeness, and when you live from that place, that’s when you start creating an equal, instead of a polar opposite. If you don’t live from this place, however, you simply create more of the same.

After any loss, it’s healthy to lick your wounds and realize it’s going to hurt for a while—but you will heal. Especially after a relationship, there is a period of time where you will go through an emotional detox. It’s healthy to feel, process, and then own all of those emotions as opposed to running from them. It can definitely be an emotional roller coaster, but at some point you have to get over it and move on.

To do this you have to realize that what you are feeling is not actually who you are. If instead you can keep your attention off of that person or thing and frame your experience as an emotional detox, then you just have to keep yourself busy and ride out the storm until the feelings go away. As the writer Saul Bellow said in Henderson the Rain King, “Time was invented so that misery might have an end.”

If emotions are a record of the past, it makes sense then that if you stay living in those emotions every day, you can’t believe in a new future (or even see one) because you are looking at your future through the lens of the past. And by the way—I now know that no new information can come into your nervous system that is not equal to the emotion you are experiencing. Why? Because it’s not relevant, so no friend or person’s advice is going to make sense to you until you start doing the work to trade the painful emotions of your past for an elevated emotion of your future.

It’s important here to note that if you think you are your feelings, you’re going to have a hard time moving on. To combat these feelings, you need to get up every day, keep working with your body, keep watching your thoughts, keep up with your meditation practice, and stay away from your past. Lots of people believe that by thinking through or analyzing your past you will be able to resolve your problems, but what you want is the wisdom from the relationship and your past—and wisdom is the memory without the emotional charge. I have seen enough brain scans of so many people (in real time) who are analyzing their past and their lives within some disturbing emotion—and I can tell you it always makes their brains worse and more incoherent. The bottom line is, if you believed there was a better future, you wouldn’t stay lost in the past. The answer to all your questions and dreams lives outside the analysis that exists in the box of your emotional past.

So what if the worst thing that ever happened to you was the best thing that ever happened to you? Because all possibilities exist in the quantum field as potentials—what if you just realized you ordered the wrong meal? Are you going to cry at the table for hours or are you going to place another order? Why not learn your lesson, move on, and make your next order a happy meal?

As soon as you move on and decide to place another order, this is the jumping off point into the unknown. This is when you make up your mind with firm intention that it’s finally over and that you are completing some cycle. It takes that kind of will to move on—and yes, there are periods of ups-and-down and mood swings, and these will ultimately add up to good days and bad days. But if you wake up every morning saying—I’m in, I’m ready, I’m going to create—the unknown is going to show up in a greater way than you ever could have ever imagined with your limited, human mind. This is how greatness is born.

So why not romance a new future instead of romancing the past?

Read Part 1:  Moving On and Getting Over

2018-11-09T21:46:33+00:00

27 Comments

  1. Cathy Cheshire November 10, 2018 at 7:34 am - Reply

    This makes sense for a divorce. How does this apply to the trauma of losing a child?

    • Yesy Morales November 17, 2018 at 5:00 pm - Reply

      I don’t know the answer to your question, but I will love to know it, to help you and help myself, I been trying to overcome the lost of my twins for almost 16 years and still no luck. I send you lots of Love with the hopes that it makes you feel some peace. Blessings

    • Marilyn November 18, 2018 at 2:28 am - Reply

      In either case, you are now being asked by your Soul to go beyond your personae and discover your true value. Your identity is shifting from a human personality to an “embodied Soul.” The Soul does not know trauma. To the Soul, divorce or death of a loved one is just another experience. An experience rich in wisdom. All your relationships are eternal. One is still Quasi-physical and the other will now be non-physical. Stop responding by using words like “trauma.” That word will only keep you in “reaction” mode instead of choosing in “creation” mode. Connection in care in both experiences is possible.

    • Lisa Debs November 18, 2018 at 12:27 pm - Reply

      Hi Cathy,

      I lost my daughter in Feb 2015. It has taken me almost 4 years to reach the point of being coherent enough to apply/absorb/comprehend/etc Dr. Joe’s approach to living. I am not certain where you are in your grief process but for me: I had to hit rock bottom. I wish that for no one but after studying Dr. Joe’s work, I now understand how the mind works. I am at the very beginning. It’s working.

  2. Cj November 10, 2018 at 7:43 pm - Reply

    So right on to where i am
    In my life right now.

  3. Smita November 11, 2018 at 12:57 pm - Reply

    Well said . Just a firm reframe and the brain works miraculously!!

  4. Sondra Longbrake November 11, 2018 at 5:24 pm - Reply

    Dr. Joe,

    I’ve been working through your book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, and getting rid of years and years and layers and layers of “yuck”.

    My last relationship was so horrific, and I had to learn that I brought that “thing” into my life because it matched an internal state that I was hiding from myself.

    I am now happily learning to allow the unhealthy states of being to come to the surface to be “unwired”.

    The fear, the lack, the depression, the physical unwellness are all being replaced by joy, enthusiasm, energy, and the happy expectation of good for my future.

    I’m still in process, so I have good days and and less good days, but definitely moving forward, up, and out of the past.

  5. Jayme Tener November 17, 2018 at 11:27 am - Reply

    I am very excited about the next chapter in my life!

  6. Ola Davidson November 17, 2018 at 11:47 am - Reply

    Thank you

  7. Merawyn November 17, 2018 at 1:07 pm - Reply

    yes Cathy that’s my question too. any thoughts Dr. Joe on loss of children?

  8. Cathy Preston November 17, 2018 at 3:33 pm - Reply

    Hey there… this is also a great jumping off point after my spouse passed away… making his transition in 2015. Easier really… great past memories for me. Both part 1 and part 2 have been a really wonderful receipe for my next happy meal… Thanks Dr. Joey.

  9. carol vergel November 17, 2018 at 4:22 pm - Reply

    Love it!!! just the right words at the right time.
    Thank you Dr Joe.

  10. Christy Gonzalez November 17, 2018 at 4:56 pm - Reply

    The pain of the loss of a loved one can take years and it continues to be as huge as the first day. However, it is a matter of deciding to move on and by placing my energy and attention on future events and people, I am gradually feeling love, excitement, enthusiasm to create my new present and future. Thanks so much Dr. Joe.

  11. Virginia November 17, 2018 at 7:37 pm - Reply

    Doing the work for three years. What a process. Done progressive, advance, and two retreat. With amazing results and the meditations most important for me. I still have people places and things to deal with in 3 D world. So much more awareness more peace and space to create a better world and life.So grateful Joe and the work. Always a work in progress.

  12. Claire November 17, 2018 at 10:40 pm - Reply

    Dr. Joe,
    Your words have been a gift to me in this time of my life. I was wishing you had written something about romantic relationship love and I came across your article. I went through the article twice and wrote 4 pages of notes. Needless to say, I am so thankful that I signed up for your newsletter. 🙂
    I was just let down by someone and I was in that mental storm that follows. This article was right on point to get me out of my funk. I love all of your books and your workshops.

  13. Eileen Hodgkinson November 18, 2018 at 7:50 am - Reply

    If only we could truly realise we are unlimited and move into that bigger awareness with trust, Joe dispensa is truly an enlightened being showing us the way for a better life , a better world, I love him and his patience, knowledge ,and true courage for all he’s overcome in his own life, Thankyou joe I wish you’d come to England again soon

  14. Penny Taliadoros November 18, 2018 at 4:45 pm - Reply

    Can I apply this to a betrayal but where we are both working through this? I want to be in this relationship but memories keep triggering all the past emotions and I dont know how to get past this. I feel a bit stuck because I have chosen to stay and not make a clean break

  15. Atul November 19, 2018 at 5:12 am - Reply

    Thank you Dr Joe. A clear explanation of moving on to a good future.

  16. Nahida November 19, 2018 at 6:26 am - Reply

    Dear Dr. Joe

    Your powerful words are a real inspiration,
    this article was very much needed at this particular time
    Thank you

  17. Lynne Sterling November 19, 2018 at 6:24 pm - Reply

    How interesting that this just happened to me 2 days ago! The man I had been seeing suddenly started seeing someone else who lives right next door. Man! Ouch!!! The thing about this man was that he has this energy about him that I was more attached to than the man. I had been working on what it was about this person that had me so intrigued?? Why did I just HAVE to be around him? Seeing them together, all happy, was emotionally painful. A lot. But seeing them together created an interestingly fascinating simultaneous past life regression where I was his mother. We had a horrible relationship. I mean it was bad. So I “felt” that when I heal this relationship with this man, the relationship with my son will heal. And this morning I blessed my Energy Centers and in two days I recovered from the blues and I feel strong and quite powerful, in fact. Thank you Dr. Joe for this timely blog.

  18. Krystalle LeBray November 19, 2018 at 8:45 pm - Reply

    What if the loss comes from the death of a family member who was your best friend and best “Mom” for 40 + years of your life.
    Some days I’m good and then other days, I start thinking about her and cry.. I know she wouldn’t me to cry about her,
    cause she had lived a very good long life and it was her time… But still its the physical presence and her hugs and
    warmness I am missing very much..

  19. Monique Theoret November 20, 2018 at 8:47 pm - Reply

    Late last December I made the decision that “I’m in. I’m all in! I’m ready! I am going to create!” It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in a very long time. It’s been a hell of a ride! But I wouldn’t trade it for the world…it’s an inside job, to be sure….I smile more often, I have new friends, I am committed to my practice, I have had to stare painfully at the parts of myself that don’t serve me, I have had to say goodbye to friends and habits, I have had to stare fear in the face and say no. I have had to reclaim parts of myself that were relegated to my shadow – the golden shadow. I have had to come to the realization that power is something I have that I have been afraid of in my current life and from past lifetimes. I have discovered (amazingly enough) that happiness is our natural state. I am so grateful to you DJD. I am immensely grateful that you have given up many aspects of your personal life, your time with your horses for one, to serve all of us who have found our way to your teachings and your enormous heart. In gratitude!

  20. Patricia J. Miller November 21, 2018 at 3:36 am - Reply

    Dr. Joe,
    Thank you for your wisdom and all you do to help others. I read your article and I would suggest some words changes: For instance, when you say ‘make up you mind, I think better words would be ‘begin to understand and realize;. When you say it all comes down to choice, you are right; however, what I find is that many people don’t realize they have a choice. When you say, ‘get over’, I think we have to work though our painful emotions. When you cay, ‘overcome’, I believe we have to release or work through. When you say ‘get beyond’ , I think better words are ‘move through’ or work through. When you say, ‘you have to get over it and move on , I think better words would be ‘as you work with them; they will be released and you can move on. When you say, ‘until the feelings go away,’, I think better words are feeling subside. When you say, ‘As soon as you move on’, I think better words are ‘release old emotions and want to change your order. When you say ‘that kind of will to move on, I think better words are ‘get unstuck”. Just sayin’ 🙂

  21. Kellie November 22, 2018 at 1:08 am - Reply

    I understand,, my partner always saw me as his past lovers , always tried to put me in their shoes , however their shoes never fit me. I am not his past, I am not your past.

  22. Lauren Tripp November 22, 2018 at 4:21 am - Reply

    If you read this Dr. Joe, you thank you , you make me so happy. I love walking out of the cave with you and I feel safe learning from you.

  23. Dani November 26, 2018 at 4:13 pm - Reply

    Dr Joe, thank you very much for this article.
    I have seen a lot about letting go and focus on the future.
    But what would you say if you want to arrange your actual relationship (not only a romantic relationship, it could be a friendship or a relationship with your brother, parents), what if you want to repair or enhance that relationship? I think you should change the energy around them and your perspective about them.
    I would love if you could write about it a bit, I’m looking forward to read it! I have read all your books and I still don’t find the answer of this.
    Thank you very, very much,

  24. Wayne Williams December 4, 2018 at 1:30 pm - Reply

    Sorry to disappoint you Dr. Joe, but it does not work quite that easily as you suggest. Your teachings and work are only for people who have no real problems. You basically only deal with physical illness while overlooking the blatant fact that people with cancer and diabetes created it that by ignoring the real problem that caused it which is their own mental illness or refusing to address the emotional problems behind their physical illness.

    Your teachings may help at most 2 % of the population or people with mild trauma. No sir, people who have been raped and sexually abused, beaten and traumatized by hate filled parents are not suffering from “bumps in the road” as you say. You see, most of us with real problems did not become a chiropractor or become successful at a young age as you did. You have zero understanding of trauma and mental illness and need to stay far away from offering advice to the suicidal, the hopeless, the despised, and the outcasts of society. Your teachings are only for the well to do financially and for those who are already high achievers.

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